A Swan?

 I wake up every morning and I think to myself I am intelligent, creative, witty, caring, and full of potential, yet before I have even stepped out of bed I question the validity of my own thoughts and feelings.  What makes me so unsure of myself and causes me to doubt my own self worth and value? I believe these feelings stem from emotional issues caused by my adoption and my hope is that by candidly addressing my own issues, I can help other adoptees understand their own feelings.

Let’s start at the beginning. 

I was given up for adoption as an infant and adopted into a wonderful upper middle class family.  I became the second adopted child for my mom and dad and to say that I had everything a child would want would be an understatement. I grew up in a beautiful home in the middle of suburbia surrounded by wonderful caring people and I was afforded every luxury a child would ever want.  My dad was a hard-working man who always made sure we had what we needed and my mom was able to stay at home with my brother and I and give us her full attention.  If I wanted to be in dance class, my mom signed me up.  When I wanted to play sports I had the best equipment and new shoes.  My mom and dad supported me and encouraged me and allowed me to try everything.  I had a closet full of clothes and all the latest toys and I never had to worry about a thing. My life should have been blissful and yet I was never content and I was never really emotionally stable.  I was unable to form deep and lasting relationships with anyone and I was insecure about myself in every way.  I never felt pretty, even though I was told I was.  I never believed I was good enough at sports despite all the awards and ribbons and trophies and I never believed I had any value to anyone.

What went wrong?  How did I get so messed up and why is it that I never felt like I was good enough?  Those are questions I have been asking myself for years and with much introspection and self-discovery I have been able to learn a lot about the problems that have plagued me for my entire life and what I came up with is….

I am that ugly duckling!

Most people know the Hans Christian Anderson tale of The Ugly Duckling.  In the story a swan egg is mistakenly hatched by a duck mother and raised with the baby ducklings.  The swan never feels like he belongs with the ducklings and is sad because he feels ugly and awkward.  In time he grows into a swan and when he sees his reflection in the pond he realizes he is actually beautiful and lives happily ever after.  The story of the Ugly Duckling is a fairly good representation of how it feels to be adopted.  Unfortunately, it’s not as easy for people to recognize their true beauty after years of not fitting in.  The disconnection that I felt growing up was evident in every part of my life.  I struggled to make and keep friends and I often sabotaged relationships if they became too intimate.  I still live a very guarded life and I am hesitant to open myself up to people.  I often think that if my birth mom didn’t want me when I was a sweet adorable newborn baby, why would anyone want me now that I am broken and flawed?  Logically, I know that my perfection or imperfection played no part in my birth mom’s decision to give me up.  She made that choice with my best interest at heart and for that I respect her bravery and selflessness but the damage is done nonetheless.